Dirt Grains
by Yira Heerai
Summary: Shikamaru finds out how troublesome dealing with Sand is the hard way. ShikaxTem, mentions of possible threesome. Spoilers for timejump.


I couldn't tell you how this got started. Well, I could but that's uninteresting. Just keep in mind that this is crack and I do not necessarily believe this would happen. It's for humor's sake only. I don't expect you to like the threesome thing that's hinted XD;

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto; Kishimoto-sensei does. If he could ever read this, I would probably be shot dead XD;; Wait, that can happen anyway ;;;

Shikamaru had known somewhere in the back of his mind that the Sand's shinobi were a few dirt grains short of an hourglass, even by the standards for a shinobi (which weren't very high). He had first discovered this fact when he met Gaara back during the chuunin exam during the zenith of the psychopath's bloodlust. It was later confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt when this same psychopath was chosen as Kazekage. His siblings were almost as worse, but Shikamaru supposed that only came with growing up around a brother like Gaara. Even though he knew this, even though he thought it far more troublesome than it was worth, Shikamaru found himself tossed together with the Sand siblings more than he wanted to, which would be never.

He had found it even more troublesome and annoying when the revelation came to him that he actually liked Temari. After a bit of cursing at how stupid emotions, relationships, and the like were stupid and unneeded, he actually found that he didn't mind all that much. Life moved on pretty much the same as always, except now his usual meetings with the Sand siblings usually followed a date of some sort with Temari and a make out session or two after that.

It was rare that it would lead to anything more than that unless they knew they wouldn't be seeing each other for a while. Somehow, he doubted that they were as discrete as they could have been when they had their Intimate Moments, if the reactions of the two brothers were any indication. The glares Kankuro sent him the morning after made Shikamaru wonder how it was that his skin hadn't melted off from its intensity of seething bloodlust and he wasn't so sure he was just imagining the twitch in Gaara's black-rimmed eyes as he said goodbye to the Kazekage.

Shikamaru was sure that this relationship with Temari was part of the reason he had nearly forgotten about the shortage of dirt grains that was the sanity of Sand's shinobi. He was so accustomed to it that it had become -dare he say it- _normal_. He was sorely reminded of this lack of sane dirt grains with just one simple request that wasn't really simple at all.

"You want him to join us in **_what_**?" he asked the young kunnochi standing before him, eyes unusually wide. It took all he had to keep his jaw from dropping and his legs standing under him.

Temari, on the other hand, looked exceptionally calm and collected, though if you looked hard for the signs you could tell she was embarrassed. It was in the way she crossed her arms defensively over her chest and not quite meeting Shikamaru eye to eye. "I _said_, 'I want Gaara to join us in bed tonight.'"

Silence reigned as the information sunk in and the shadow manipulator realized that, no, he had not heard his girlfriend wrong. He put his right hand to his eyes and sighed, willing the mental image and this situation all together to go away. He knew it wasn't going to, but he wished anyway. "Why on earth do you want to do that?"

If she were to be honest, Temari wondered the exact same thing. She knew the logistics of it, but it still made no damn sense. "He..." she trailed off, not quite sure how to explain it. "He's not... familiar with this sort of thing."

At Shikamaru's incredulous look, she continued on, "Do you know what he asked me after you left last time? He asked how I could be with you when keep hurting me before you leave."

"Did you exp-"

"I did. He didn't get it."

"...Seriously?" A pause in contemplation. "What about Kankuro? Did he try to explain..?"

"He talked to Kankuro before he talked to me about it. He suppressed help either."

Well that explained the glares at least. "So since explaining doesn't help... you want to _show_ him?"

"Yes. He even talked to _Naruto--_"

"Oh god," Shikamaru burst out, putting his face into both hands. This situation kept snowballing and it probably wouldn't stop until it reached the bottom of the hill. Why was everything so complicated when it shouldn't be?

Realizing she said something wrong, Temari sighed and changed tactics. "If you're not up to it, that's fine. But I'm not going to be held responsible if Gaara decides to take matters into his own hands– and sand."

An image of Gaara bursting into Temari's room during one of their romps with his sand rushing around him before finally killing him came to mind unbidden. He suppressed the shudder and pushed the image of his guts all over Temari's room from his mind. Right, he was a psychopath -or a former psychopath, if such a thing existed. Having the Kazekage think that he was hurting a sibling was bad enough, but since that Kazekage was Gaara, the effects were almost suicidal.

With an awkward sigh he admitted defeat and mentally tossed a few dirt grains over his shoulder. If he was doing this, he certainly didn't qualify as sane. "All right," he said and looked toward one of Temari's dressers. What a conversation to have before setting out to Konoha.

"...You'll do it?" She didn't need to sound so surprised.

"...As long as he goes no where near my ass, I might be able to stand it." Besides, there was no guarantee that he'd have to do it. He was smart. He could figure a way out of this.

If all else failed, he would shove Naruto at Gaara and have _him_ show the Kazekage. Payback was a bitch after all.


End file.
